it’s a validation thing
Are you seeking attention?
My college therapist asked me that once. It sat in my head for twenty years before I actually saw what she meant.
Here’s what I see now.
Some people look at me and see somebody who isn’t confident. Other people look at that exact same thing and see somebody who’s arrogant, attention-seeking, and too much.
For the longest time, I thought that meant I was talking in a way that sought attention.
No, IT’S ME BEING LED BY MY FEARS. And I do not intend to pass judgment, but I believe the therapist exacerbated my situation.
What’s actually happening is that I need someone to tell me if what I did was good or harmful. So I rephrase it. I say it again a different way. I wait until somebody reacts. Depending on the audience, my actions get read as insecure, or they get read as fishing for attention.
Same me. Same need. It just depends on who’s standing there.
Should I change it? Yes. I think so.
I believe it’s because I would rather not cause harm to anyone, and my desire for others’ approval is just that fear wearing a different hat.
I spent so long trying to change how others see me that I never sat with the idea of how I want to be seen—it becomes lost in translation. I never once examined the underlying issue, the actual source.
I don’t think it makes sense anymore, now that I see it. So what do I do? It’s engrained in my soul, the way I see it. I think I need to work on my confidence—and that means being okay when other people are uncomfortable with me. Or maybe it means changing how I express myself, saying clearly, “I hear you,” but still feeling what I feel, still holding my point in situations where it hasn’t changed.
I think in other situations I just need to sit in the discomfort and remind myself, “This shall pass.” lol