Opening
You walk into the office and a coworker asks “how are you?” Before you even know whats happening your mouth says “I’m fine.”
Its that autopilot response. Like a reflex you didn’t ask for. It happens everywhere – at the grocery store, at school pickup, in text messages at 2am when your definitely NOT fine. Even with people who actually care about you. The words just tumble out so fast you could probably win some kind of Olympic medal for Emotional Deflection.
“How are you?” “Fine! You?” Sets personal record. Crowd goes wild.
But here’s the thing – your lying. And somewhere deep down you know it.
Maybe your drowning. Maybe your barely holding it together with duct tape and spite. Maybe you had a full meltdown in the bathroom twenty minutes ago and your still not entirely sure you remembered to flush. But when someone asks? “I’m fine. How are you?”
Its the loneliest lie we tell.
And here’s what nobody talks about – were not saying “fine” to protect other people from our problems. Were saying it to protect ourselves from something way more terrifying.
What if you actually answered honestly?
“How are you?”
“Well Karen since you asked – i’m hanging on by a thread made of caffeine and denial, my life feels like a game of Jenga played by a toddler, and i’m pretty sure i’m just three minor inconveniences away from ugly crying in a Target parking lot. How’s your Tuesday?”
[Karen has left the chat]
So we say “fine” and keep moving. Because at least then we don’t have to find out if anyone actually cares in the first place.
The Whisper
Somewhere along the way we learned that “i’m fine” is the only safe answer.
Maybe it started when you were a kid and you could tell that adults didn’t really want to hear about your problems – they wanted you to be easy. Low maintenance. Not too much work.
Or maybe it was that time you told someone the truth about how you were doing and they got this weird look on there face. Like they regretted asking. Like you just handed them something heavy they didn’t want to carry.
So you learned that “how are you?” isn’t actually a question – its more like a greeting. Like when someone says “whats up?” Nobody actually wants to know whats up. “The sky” is the only acceptable answer.
And here’s whats really going on underneath all of this – were not just protecting other people from our problems. Were protecting ourselves from something way scarier.
Were protecting ourselves from finding out they don’t actually care. From watching there face change when we give them the real answer. From that moment where we realize “oh god they were just being polite and now i’ve made it weird.”
Were protecting ourselves from being seen as unstable. As dramatic. As the person who Can’t Handle Life™. Because what if you say “actually i’m really struggling” and suddenly your filed under “Fragile: Handle With Care”? What if word gets around that your “going through something” and you become That Person everyone whispers about?
And maybe worst of all – were protecting ourselves from the humiliation of being vulnerable and having it go nowhere. Like texting your friend at midnight “i’m not fine. I’m really not okay” and watching those three little dots appear and disappear seventeen times before they finally respond with “Oof thats rough. Hang in there! 💪” and then… nothing. Just your vulnerability sitting there in the chat like that text you immediately regretted sending.
How do you come back from that? How do you see them at the next gathering knowing they saw you at your lowest and gave you the emotional equivalent of “thoughts and prayers”?
Its safer to never find out. Its safer to stay behind “i’m fine” where at least you still have your dignity.
And sometimes – sometimes the stakes are even higher than that. Sometimes “i’m fine” isn’t just protecting your feelings – its protecting your whole life. Because maybe if people knew how much your struggling they’d question whether you can handle your job. Whether your a good parent. Whether your stable enough to be trusted with anything really.
So “i’m fine” becomes the structural support beam of your entire existence. The only thing standing between “functional adult” and “that person were all worried about.”
You cant let it crumble. Even when carrying it feels like trying to hold up a roof with your bare hands while pretending your just casually stretching.
The Truth
Here’s what i’ve been learning and its complicated.
From what i’ve been reading about emotional suppression – hiding our feelings doesn’t make them go away. It actually amplifies them. Studies show that people who consistently suppress emotions experience higher rates of anxiety, depression, physical health issues, and yes loneliness. The very thing were doing to protect ourselves is making us sicker and more isolated.
But here’s the part that makes this so hard – your fears aren’t irrational.
Some people really are just asking out of politeness. Some people really will think your too much. Some people won’t show up the way you need them to. And yes in some contexts – at work, certain social circles – being too honest about your struggles can have consequences.
Your fear is based on reality. Your not paranoid – your paying attention.
So what do we do with that? How do we be honest in a world that sometimes punishes honesty?
Look at it this way – its not about being vulnerable with everyone. Its about finding the people who are actually safe. And i’ve come across research on connection and relationships that shows we don’t need everyone to show up. We just need someone.
What i’m seeing in the research on loneliness is that its not about how many people you know. Its about having even one or two people who you can be real with. People who don’t flinch when you tell the truth. People who say “thank you for trusting me” instead of “oh you’ll be fine.”
And here’s what i’m starting to understand – “i’m fine” isn’t just protecting us from rejection. Its also preventing connection. Because when we perform fine all the time nobody ever gets to see the real us. And if they can’t see the real us they can’t actually connect with us.
And heres something that just hit me – if you cant be honest with other people how are you going to be honest with yourself? If you’ve learned to never check in are you really checking in with yourself either?
We get so good at the performance that we lose touch with whats actually true. We stop knowing how we really feel because we’ve trained ourselves to just say “fine” without even asking ourselves first.
Were all walking around in these “i’m fine” costumes wondering why we feel so disconnected from everyone. But connection requires risk. It requires someone going first. Someone being honest even when its scary.
That doesn’t mean you have to be vulnerable with everyone. That would be unsafe and honestly kind of exhausting. But maybe – maybe theres one person who’s earned it. One person who’s shown up before. One person you could try being a little more honest with.
Because from this point of view – and from what i’ve experienced myself – the loneliness of saying “i’m fine” forever is worse than the risk of saying “actually i’m not okay” to the right person.
Were All Here Together
If your someone who says “i’m fine” because your terrified of what happens if you don’t – your not weak. Your not broken. Your not being dramatic.
Your responding to a world that isn’t always safe for the truth.
And here’s whats so painful – most of us are doing the exact same thing. Were all walking around saying “fine” while privately wondering if anyone would actually care if we told the truth. Were all lonely and were all pretending were not.
Were all wearing “i’m fine” like armor and then wondering why we feel so disconnected. Its like were all at a masquerade ball complaining that we cant recognize anyone while refusing to take off our masks.
The tragedy isn’t that you say “fine.” The tragedy is that somewhere right now someone who loves you is also saying “fine” for the exact same reasons and your both isolated because your both too scared to go first.
What if the person your waiting for to be honest first… is waiting for you?
The Return (Your toolkit)
Okay so how do we actually get better at this? How do we stop saying “i’m fine” like its our full time job?
I’m not going to tell you to just “be vulnerable” with everyone. That’s not realistic and its not safe. But what if there’s something between total honesty and total performance? What if you could test the waters without diving into the deep end?
Here are some things you can try:
Start with the safest person you know
Not everyone deserves your honesty. Not everyone has earned the right to your vulnerability. But theres probably someone – maybe just one person – who has shown up before. Who has proven they can handle hard things. Who you trust even if your scared.
Start there. Just with them.
Try a soft opening (not the full truth yet)
You don’t have to go from “i’m fine” to “i’m falling apart and also i think i forgot to pay the electric bill and i’m pretty sure i’m having an existential crisis” in one conversation.
Try something in between:
- “Honestly? I’ve been better”
- “Its been a rough week. I’m hanging in there”
- “You know what? I’m struggling a bit but i’m not sure i’m ready to talk about it yet”
- “I’m at like a 6 out of 10 which is better than Tuesdays 3 so… progress?”
These are honest without being fully vulnerable. They crack the door open just an inch – not enough for someone to barge in but enough to see if there the kind of person who knocks politely or the kind who immediately changes the subject to there own problems.
Journal prompt: The fear underneath
Grab your journal and finish this sentence: “I say ‘i’m fine’ because i’m afraid that if i tell the truth…”
Write whatever comes up. Don’t edit it. Don’t make it pretty. Just get honest about what your actually protecting yourself from.
The feelings wheel (because “fine” isn’t a feeling)
“Fine” is what we say when we don’t want to feel. But your feeling something. Your body knows it even if your brain is in denial.
Google “feelings wheel” and find one you like. Its a wheel that branches out from basic emotions – sad, angry, scared – into more specific ones like lonely, resentful, overwhelmed, inadequate, disconnected.
Sit with it. Point to whats actually true. You don’t have to tell anyone yet – just name it for yourself.
Because heres the thing – you cant address what you wont admit exists.
The reality check
Write down your biggest fear about being honest. Then ask yourself: “Has this actually happened or is this a story i’m telling myself?”
Sometimes our fears are based on one bad experience we’ve been carrying for years. Sometimes there valid. Either way you need to know which one your dealing with.
Daily mantra
“My honesty is not a test i can fail. Its an invitation to connection.”
Or if that feels like too much just try: “I’m allowed to not be fine.”
Book recommendation
If you want to understand the language of emotion – if you want to move beyond “fine” and into something real – read Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown ([Amazon link]). She spent years researching how we articulate or avoid articulating what we feel. Its a roadmap for naming whats true even when its scary.
Closing
What if you tried something small this week?
Not with everyone. Not in an unsafe situation. But with one person who might – might – be able to handle it.
The next time they ask how you are pause. Feel the fear. Notice all the ways your brain is screaming at you to just say “fine.”
And then say something – anything – thats one degree more honest.
“I’m okay but its been hard lately.”
Thats it. Thats enough. See what happens.
Maybe they’ll let you down. Maybe they wont know what to say. But maybe – maybe – they’ll surprise you. Maybe they’ll say “tell me more.” Maybe they’ll say “me too.”
And maybe you’ll realize your not as alone as you thought.
Because heres what i know – right now someone in your life is also saying “i’m fine” while drowning. And there hoping – hoping – that someone will go first. That someone will risk being honest so they don’t have to keep pretending.
What if that someone is you?
What about you? Have you ever told someone the truth about how you were doing and regretted it? Or been surprised by there response? I want to hear your story – the messy scared real version.
Drop a comment or send me a message. Your not alone in this.
